have you ever heard of a shame flashback?
Most people probably have no idea what that is, so let me explain it simply:
Suddenly, out of nowhere, an embarrassing memory from your past comes rushing back.
You might let out a frustrated “Ugh”, or even blurt out something like “I wanna disappear”.
Or maybe you just feel an overwhelming wave of self-hatred hit you in an instant.
Sound familiar?
I think most people have had moments where they remember something embarrassing and cringe. But in my case, there were periods where this happened multiple times every single day.
I hated it, so I tried googling about it. But even when I found others asking about the same thing, there were barely any answers. And if there were, they’d say things like “Maybe that’s just your personality?” — which wasn’t exactly helpful. So I figured, Well, I guess this is just how I am and tried to live with it.
Whenever I let out a little groan from a shame flashback, people around me would ask, “Are you okay?” but I’d just brush it off.
Honestly, how was I supposed to explain it?
Even I didn’t know why my brain randomly pulled up unrelated embarrassing memories.
I always thought PTSD and trauma had nothing to do with me. I didn’t have any big traumatic memories, so I assumed I was totally fine.
Then, by chance, I picked up a book about complex PTSD. For the first time, I saw the term shame flashback clearly explained. That moment changed everything for me. I became obsessed with researching shame.
The Difference Between Healthy Shame and Toxic Shame
Shame is actually a normal, healthy emotion that everyone experiences.
But for people with complex PTSD or those who struggle in life, shame takes on a much deeper form.
Instead of thinking,
“I did something embarrassing”,
they think,
“I am fundamentally embarrassing as a person.”
For example:
• If someone bumps into them, instead of thinking “That was rude”, they think,
“I must appear weak, that’s why they bumped into me.”
• If they get mocked, instead of thinking “That person was being mean”, they think,
“I must be embarrassing, that’s why they’re making fun of me.”
Most people don’t even realize they think this way.
If you asked them, they’d probably say, “No, I don’t feel that way.”
On a cognitive level, they understand that the other person is in the wrong.
But if their body tenses up, if they feel deep shame,
if they think, “I could not talk about this with anyone”,
then there’s a good chance they’re experiencing toxic shame.
When You Blame Yourself Without Realizing It
If you can already recognize this pattern in yourself, that’s actually a good thing — it’s a big step forward.
But in my case, I had completely blocked out these kinds of thoughts.
On the surface, I would just tell myself,
“Well, stuff happens. Let’s just forget about it.”
But that suppressed shame had to go somewhere.
And for me, it came out as shame flashbacks.
Looking back now, I realize my fear, sadness, and pain had just been piling up inside me.
Understanding Shame Can Be the First Step to Healing
For the longest time, I didn’t even recognize this pattern in myself. I thought I was just randomly getting hit with cringe-worthy memories. But in reality, my body was carrying years of unprocessed shame.
If you’ve ever struggled with moments of intense self-hatred out of nowhere,
or if you find yourself blaming yourself for things that weren’t even your fault,
it might be worth looking into toxic shame.
You’re not alone in this. And more importantly — you don’t have to live with it forever.